Practice 5 - Being with the other in their world (Buddy Circling)
This practice is about having a deep sense of Being when you are with others, while also having focused attention on them and tracking the nuances of what you sense happening in them from one moment to the next.
Preparation
The heart of this practice is the quality of the attention that you bring to the other. This has meditative presence as its foundation, and so uses your whole person and awareness as an instrument to be with them.
At first it may feel new and challenging to be able to feel inwards at the same time as bringing attention to the other—it takes practice. Soon enough though it will become more natural, and you may even find that this is actually a simpler or easier way to be with someone. It can also reveal how often we are inhibiting our presence for fear of being ‘too much’ for other people.
Instruction
Start by choosing roles; one partner is to bring their full attention to the other. This one will be the ‘Seer’ and will maintain this position for 25 minutes. The other partner will be the ‘Seen’, and their role is to be themself and explore what it is like to have full attention on them. After 25 minutes take a short 5 minute break, and then swap roles.
Now, begin the practice by tuning into the other. Bring your full attention to them, take time and slow down, and make them the object of your meditation. Feel what it is like to be with them.
The Seer will now begin to tune into the Seen, and get curious about what is happening for them in that moment.
As the Seer, it is important that you wait for your true curiosity.
When you feel something inside yourself or notice something in your experience, you can now use this as a way to bring dialogue into the connection. When you notice something arising in the other, see if you can open deeply and enquire into what is happening for them.
Open questions can be powerful. For example:
'What is it like?'
'How do you know you feel that?''
What kind of ________ (e.g. sadness/pain/joy) is it?'
There are also questions you can ask yourself internally to help you step into their shoes:
'What must it be like to have them feeling that way?'. Try to imagine what would have had to happen for this person to be the way they are.
If you were them, what would you feel, given what they’ve said and done?
'What is the perspective/worldview that they have? What is behind what they are saying?''
Do their words seem aligned with their expression?'. Do you feel/believe what they say
How might you be occurring to them?
Some other useful enquiries:
If you mirror them and step into their shoes, what happens in you?
Feeling this, how do you sense what their experience is like?
Do you have a shared reality with them?
Do you fully get (and honor) their perspective?
Naming what is here with subtlety and discernment
As the Seer, a key aspect of this practice is naming what you are hearing and seeing in the other, in a way that really captures their experience. Naming these subtleties can give them a rewarding feeling of being seen by you. For example: 'It seems like you are slowly feeling more trust to show yourself, but you are still not sure how safe you feel’, or ‘It seems like on one side you feel excited and free in your emotions, and on the other side, you feel concerned you will get lost in your mind’.
At the same time it is essential to stay connected to yourself, witnessing your own experience, and showing your own vulnerability as you reveal and give the Seen feedback. This is important because it allows things that you notice in your experience to be trusted, and included as part of what may be true for the person receiving the attention.
Remember the sentence stems, "I imagine..." or "You seem...", when you want to check that your impression or idea of what is happening for them is correct.
Examples
‘When you shared your sadness, I felt open in my heart.'
‘In the silence, I feel fear of not knowing what to say next.'
‘Listening to you it seems like you are more in a judgement of what is happening than a feeling, and I feel more alone when I sense this.'
‘Being with you I notice I have a feeling of solidity in my legs and belly, and a pinching feeling in my chest.’
Why this is practice is powerful
'Being With the Other' is so important because it invites those in your presence to really be who they are in the moment. Many of us are so used to being judged and indirectly asked to be different, that we don't know what it is like to be with someone who is okay with us, just as we are.
In fact, in Circling we go much further than this. We are not just okay with how they are, we’re suggesting that their way of being is beautiful as it is (even if they want to change it), and therefore we want to know them more deeply as they are—even to the point that they are also discovering new layers of themselves while in connection with us!
To be seen is nourishing, and to be able to open to more of ourselves in the presence of others is a beautiful and unique opportunity. It is also a great honour to be with someone as they explore their experience with increasing depth.
How to deepen your practice
In embodying this principle, beginner’s mind is vital. This means looking at this person as if you have never seen them before. In fact, you actually have never seen them before—as they are in this moment. No matter how well you know the other, this moment is happening afresh, and the more you can embody this, the more can be discovered.
For example: If someone shares that they are happy, you can ask, ‘How do you know that you are happy, what is it like?’. Notice any tendency you have to already assume that happiness is a ‘good state’ and one that does not need further explanation. With this assumption you will miss the opportunity to explore a whole new landscape within the person you are ‘seeing’.
Try to maintain, or at least begin to invite and explore, the perspective of perfection—by not making the Seen wrong or needing them to change their experience. Making someone wrong can be very subtle and can be communicated in the feeling behind your words. The following are common examples of subtle (and not so subtle) judgements and attempts to change the other: ’You don't need to be sad, I feel good being with you’, ‘I wish you would go into your feelings’, ‘I feel less now, can we go back to what happened before when you were open?’.
We consistently find that when we shine a light on someone's experience just as it is, much more is uncovered than when we try to make things happen. It can also be a rich exploration to notice what is happening in us when we feel like we want to change the other in some way. An inquiry into this in ourselves can also reveal deeper longings, or the places that we find it hard to stay in connection.
Finally, words are just a small part of the communication. Can you open to the whole being by allowing the other to impact all of your awareness, emotions, and thoughts?
What happens when they direct the attention to you?
Maintaining the intention to simply be with another and to go on a journey with them, can be difficult when they accuse you of something or ask you to change.
For example: The Seen could say to you, ‘I don't like the way you look at me, I don't feel you are with me at all’. If you were to agree or disagree with them, you will come out of giving full attention to them and therefore come out of the meditation. If you redirect the attention back to them, without sharing the impact of what they’ve shared, this can be a way to escape your feelings, and an opportunity to share the vulnerability of your own being.
Instead, try to respond with curiosity and share yourself. For example:
‘What is it like to be seen this way? I certainly feel vulnerable hearing that.’
‘You seem angry, and I imagine you are used to others not really being with you.’
‘I feel sad and inadequate hearing that. I would love to ask you more questions, but I am afraid it will feel even more that I am not with you.’
We continually find that those that dive into the practice and are willing to stumble and make mistakes, discover their own way of asking questions. It is certainly a complex practice and one that takes time to feel comfortable in, and the full vulnerability of being with another is something we still navigate. The development of these skills is everlasting, and so things are always fresh, exciting, and there is plenty of room for mistakes!
Bringing this practice into your life
When this principle can be embodied, it is a profound gift for deepening communication, as it gives you the opportunity to deeply be with the other in all kinds of relationships. Willingly giving space to others makes a difference that is hard to imagine beforehand. Business meetings, family gatherings, being on a date, and speaking with a friend can all go to new dimensions of depth and being. Doing this also ensures you are continually developing your capacity to be present and committed to connection. However, you will be continually challenged on your authenticity and your capacity to stay with yourself and not judge what is happening. You may also notice that you have a tendency to make connections as a way of getting what you want or need. The deeper you go, the more places you will discover in yourself where you move away from acceptance—and this means you will continue to take your growth to new edges, especially if you practice with others that are also committed to exploration.